There is an interesting phenomenon that occurs as I engage couples in the process of healing after betrayal. Many times his hard work and growth triggers her all the more. As this begins to happen, he feels like he can never do enough. And she feels completely confused, “This is what I wanted from him, so why do I feel worse?” Each individual is experiencing something very different.
His Experience
As guys engage their work, they begin living life in a different way. Many times, their betrayal catapults them into action. They begin doing historical work, family of origin work, emotional work, and start engaging life, rather than merely coasting. If we scaled his work on an imaginary scale of his progress, he’d move from a -8 to a -3. That is a huge +5 difference! He is learning all kinds of stuff about himself. He is relating to himself and others differently. He is behaving differently. Big, big changes.
Her Experience
Her experience is much different than his. Whereas she sees the change in him, it often times feels very disorienting. It is as if it is harder for her now than when he was distant and in the midst of his affair. What is going on? Well, it is harder…and here’s why. When he was distant, she intuitively knew that she couldn’t rely on him. She knew she had to meet her emotional needs either by herself or with other friendships. So, when he starts showing up and asking about her feelings and sharing his feelings with her, it feels weirds. What is more, she can’t trust him—not yet.
Additionally, women intuitively know that the closer he gets to zero on our pretend scale, the more she’ll feel pressure. She’ll feel pressure because she knows that they can’t get into the positive side of the scale unless they do it together. She knows that she’ll need to do some work to trust, forgive, and perhaps even have hope for their relationship. And those three things…those are huge! What is more, for her to do those things, she will have to risk with the one person who has violated her trust the most and broken her heart in two…and he isn’t even in the positive zone yet. Is it any wonder why she feels so much pressure and it is so difficult for her to move forward? Is it any wonder why it is so hard for her?
How to Move Forward
If you find yourself in this pickle, I have some simple advice for you.
Ladies: Take your time and give yourself grace. It is okay to ping-pong back and forth with your needs and your emotions. You’ve been through a ton! There are going to be moments when he feels safe, and a few moments later the risk is going to be too big. You aren’t crazy. You aren’t doing it wrong. Keep connected with your own heart and keep observing him from a safe distance. It will become evident when to make the next steps.
Fellas: Do your work. Regardless if she affirms it, recognizes it, or even appreciates it…integrity is doing the right thing, regardless if anyone else is watching. If your work is contingent on her approval, then you’re doing it for the wrong reasons (see my blog Winning Her Back vs Earning Her Trust). Gentlemen know that her triggers might intensify during this time. And it might be that you are actually doing everything right, moving closer to zero, and it’s causing her to evaluate what her part ought to be and if she wants to risk with you. Now is the very time you need to be even more confident in your empathy, more humble in your ownership of the past, and more communicative with your own emotions.
Healing after betrayal is difficult, period. With a proper focus and continued effort, relationship repair is possible.
Learn more about Nathaniel Gustafson or schedule a therapy appointment with Nathaniel or one of our licensed therapists at LiveFree Counseling. Please call 720.465.6180 for more information.
