As a counselor, I have the honor of walking with couples after a husband’s betrayal though an affair, pornography or other sexual integrity issue. It is possible for a marriage not only to make it, but to heal.
One shift in thinking that is very important for healing is for the husband to shift from trying to WIN HER BACK and instead strive to EARN HER TRUST.
The mission is NOT to win your wife back. This is fraught with peril. First, she is not a prize to be won – this objectifies her. Second, this is not a competition. Third, winning evokes the masks of doing – it feels manipulative. Instead, EARN HER TRUST.
If you try and win her back and she is the motivation. Wives do not want that responsibility. They fear the day when they no longer have what it takes to motivate you to do the right thing. This often looks like the husband doing nice things – such as giving her flowers, doing the dishes, taking her on a date – but with the expectation that those actions will make everything okay. Doing nice things is great, but it does not heal the wound of betrayal.
Earning her trust and healing that wound is not simply what you do, but who you are. It is not focusing on her reaction to what you do, but having the mindset that you will do the right thing because it is the right thing to do. She will witness you doing life differently – not just with regard to her – but also as you do life differently as a husband, employee, Christian, father, etc. That is a foundational piece to rebuilding trust.
To hear more about how you and your spouse can not only make it, but heal and thrive after betrayal, give me a call – 720.465.6180 ext. 702. I would be honored to talk with you.
