If you’ve tried self-help books, or even marriage therapy, and found that it just doesn’t work. If you find yourself faithfully phrasing your arguments in the “I feel ______ when you _______,” kind of language. If you’ve discovered your love language, only to learn that your partner does not seem to have the capacity to give you what you need… I’m sorry. You likely feel defeated and hopeless, or that you’re doing it wrong and that everyone else is doing it right.
Many couples come into my office and report they need to work on communication skills. It’s as if they are saying, “Just give me a set of instructions to follow, tell me how to do it, and I’ll execute perfectly.” I wish it were that easy, and you probably do too.
Connecting with Your Partner on a Deeper Level
Counselors have perpetuated the myth of plug-n-play mental health treatment. Truth be known, it is far easier for us to give a set of instructions than to do the hard work, instead of figuring out the negative patterns and emotions that drive couples into negative cycles.
If you feel like your relationship is at a standstill or that you are caught in a negative cycle with your partner, it’s important to know that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. The secret to revolutionizing marriages is the difference between “think” and “thinking.” But what does this mean?
Don’t tell your partner what you think, tell them what you are thinking.
Think
Men, in particular, have a difficult time saying what they are thinking. In fact, they are far more likely to tell you what they think. Isn’t that the same thing? No, not by a long shot. There is a vast difference between “think” and “thinking.”
Think is what happens when someone goes off by themselves to figure everything out alone, before declaring their point of view to their partner. It then comes off as a decision with no room for input or change.
We say to ourselves, “Aren’t you impressed with my thought? It took me a long time to come up with it. I considered everything. You should appreciate me and my thought.” Then, our partner asks a clarifying question. Something as simple as, “How is that going to work with the kids?” Only to leave us destroyed and acting defensively.
What just happened?
Well, a lot just happened. First, he believes he is doing everyone a favor in presenting the finished thought (think). As opposed to the process, it took him to get to that thought (thinking). “But why?” you might be wondering. The answer is simple – it feels safer.
The keyword is feel. When you are thinking, there is much less certainty. Many ideas are considered, then rejected because they do not make sense. “What if she saw all of the dumb things I’m thinking? Surely, she’d reject me.”
Did you see what just happened there? What started as a conversation about a thought, went to a place where he feels rejected. To him, it isn’t that she is abandoning his thought; it feels as if she is dismissing all of him. Additionally, he fears that if he shares what he is thinking, she might hold him to it, …and he hasn’t committed to anything yet, he’s simply just thinking.
So, when he gets around to sharing his thoughts, and she asks a question—any question—it feels like an attack and like she doesn’t trust him. He did all of this thought-work over the last few days (which is why he felt distant), only to have her destroy it with one simple question.
Thinking
Women, on the other hand, often operate on a different level. They tend to live in a world of thinking. Thinking is what happens when someone voices their thought process aloud. Their statements are fluid rather than fixed. This is why women feel very little pressure to share what they are thinking about. They even tend to feel safer and closer to those they can share their immediate thoughts with (which, guys, is why your wife always asks what you’re thinking). To women, sharing what you are thinking is a point of connection. This is why the spouse felt rejected when he shut her down after asking a question.
Moving past the think vs. thinking hurdle.
Gentlemen, it may feel like a risk, but it’s essential to trust your wife with what you are thinking at the moment. She wants to know you — all of you. She does not just want to know your thoughts, but the ways in which you are thinking and how you arrived at that thought.
Share what you are thinking in a way that still feels safe. Trust that your spouse accepts you. I know it goes to a place of rejection when she asks questions. The important thing is that she is not rejecting you; rather, she might reject or question your thought. Finally, gentlemen, know that your wife’s questions— are simply just questions. She is not attacking you. She is likely trying to gain a deeper understanding.
Women, you need to be aware of the differences between the world you and your husband live. Whenever he goes deep, is vulnerable, or shares his thinking, consider affirming him for sharing himself with you and regard that space as sacred. You do not have to agree, and it is okay to ask questions. But also look past that to the fact that sharing is vulnerable for him. Affirm his heart, because to him that is the very thing he feels like he is risking.
It is helpful for you and your spouse to recognize the difference between think and thinking, as well as create a dialogue around it. Be as clear and upfront as possible. Before you approach a topic, consider saying, “Hey honey, I’m going to share what I’m thinking, not what I think.”
Don’t let your marriage grow further apart. Come see us today!
If you find that you are facing communication issues in your marriage and can’t get past them, come see me. I can help you find the deeper meaning of your tension and conflict. With some voluntary and intentional work, there is hope to resolve disputes, improve connectivity, and even risk sharing your heart.
Nathaniel Gustafson, LPCC specializes in helping couples grow, heal and thrive. Call today to schedule an appointment – 720.465.6180.
