I have oft written about men and their emotions. My general bent is that men have emotions, and we generally do a pretty lousy job experiencing and expressing those. Today, I’m going to shift just a bit and encourage women to express their emotions.
To be more precise: women, you need to express your anger.
Isn’t it ironic the one emotion men are allowed to have is the very emotion women are not supposed to have? When women express their anger, they are often labeled with not so flattering language. Yet, no one would bat an eye should a man express the same type of anger. It’s expected of us. Not fair! And not helpful either. We should feel what we feel, even when it is anger.
Women, when you have been betrayed through an affair or pornography, you should feel angry. When he does those things, he is breaking his commitment to you. This should anger you, and you should be allowed to express it. Some would tell you to ‘handle your anger.’ I’m not even sure what that means. Express the anger with your voice and with your body. Yell, scream, run around the block, hit the heavy bag (the literal punching bag). Do something to get the anger out.
The alternative is to shove it. What tends to happen with women who shove their anger down is they also shut down part of their hearts. Fellas, this is why you should want your wife to be angry. If she has shoved it in order to ‘keep the peace,’ she is likely losing a part of herself in doing so. She’ll grow more and more distant. Sure, it might seem things are going better—there are fewer fights, she doesn’t yell as much. If you are honest, she seems like a shell of who she used to be. That hollowness, it shows up on long silent car rides, talks about the kids, even in sex. She is not wholly there. She is going through the motions, but the energy has vanished.
You want your wife to be angry with you. In so doing, she’ll get the appropriate anger out and you’ll see the harm you have done in your betrayal. This is important for your process. When a wife shows her anger, she is still engaged in the relationship to allow her blood to boil. I fear for relationships where the wife no longer gets angry. It is as if she is saying, “I’m never going to put my heart out there again.” Silent wives have shut their hearts out of their relationship. It is such a terrible and painful place to not care anymore.
If this is your relationship, if you are ‘fine,’ if you feel more like roommates than a spouse, if you’ve accepted that you can never heal from the affair, give me a call. I help couples navigate the healing process after betrayal. I encourage both partners to be fully known and vulnerable in the process. In so doing, a new relationship can emerge. One where both partners share their deepest emotions and are supported and loved because they have done so.
To schedule a therapy appointment with Nathaniel Gustafson or one of our therapists at LiveFree Counseling, please call 720.465.6180 or click here
