I work with a lot of men who have broken relational trust through their use of pornography. As I journey with the individual or the couple there are many markers along the way, and even hazards. For the guys who actually show up and do the work, it is a privilege to see them engage their self, their wife, and the world in a whole new way. Sometimes, as the guy is doing his best, what is meant as good intentions, actually comes back to bite him.
I see this phenomenon with guys who are day counters. Counting sobriety days is a bedrock practice of 12-Step programs. There are various ‘chips’ that designate 1 day sobriety, 1 week, 1 month, etc. In and of itself, there is nothing wrong with knowing the last time you took a drink or looked at pornography.
The problem arises when the sobriety date becomes part of a guy’s identity.
He becomes so protective of that date, that he sometimes is willing to ‘bend the truth’ (aka lie) about his behavior. Rather than owning his reset sobriety date, he is sometimes willing to live in a lie, and therefore live in shame, rather than honestly and humbly going to the group and taking a 1 day sobriety chip.
Additionally, the sole focus of these chips is about sobriety. Two things emerge here. First, the definition of sober becomes an intense focus. Guys who are struggling with defining what it means to be sober usually aren’t sober. What is more, AA has a well-established understanding of the levels of sobriety. An individual could be sober from alcohol, but ‘white-knuckling it.’ This is also known as a ‘dry drunk.’ Though technically this individual is sober because he hasn’t taken a drink, that is the only aspect of sobriety he can claim. He is still emotionally distant, letting his anger out on everyone he knows, and is not doing anything to work on himself. This leads to the second problem with focusing solely on sobriety:
There is more to life than sobriety—far more.
Focusing on sobriety is always backwards looking. Individuals are always looking to the past to determine how long it has been. It is better that they look forward with hope, optimism, and determination. For these reasons:
I focus on integrity, rather than sobriety.
Integrity’s focus is not limited to behaviors. It also encompasses intentions. Integrity is doing the right thing, regardless if anyone else is watching. Integrity asks the questions, “What do I need to do to lay my head down at night and say, ‘I’ve done the best I can today.’” Integrity focuses on the whole of life, not merely one part of life.
If you, or someone you care about, has done some good work in coming clean with their sexual integrity issues, but there seems to be something off, something missing. Perhaps rather than focusing on the behaviors of sobriety, they need to focus on the mindset and heart posture of integrity. I can help you with this. I can assist as you come to live in the fullness of everything you were meant to be as you pursue a full life.
To schedule a therapy appointment with Nathaniel Gustafson, or one of our therapists at LiveFree Counseling, please click here or call 720.465.6180.
