Many parents become frustrated and short-tempered when their children are acting out. Your child might be throwing constant temper tantrums; they might be yelling back in response to your seemingly calm question; or they may be showing extreme highs and lows of emotions.
I would like to call such instances as “problems in emotion regulation.” It is not uncommon and in fact entirely normal, at both a young (think even toddler) and older (teenage) stage, for your kids to be acting out in some way. They might be trying to get your attention or explore their growing independence – albeit, in unsuccessful and frustrating ways. However, children do process their emotions and surroundings far different than adults, and it is entirely normal to have an “unruly” child at home, trying to spread their wings and communicate as best they currently know how.
Do not be dismayed if this is your situation! There are a few essential things to understand if you find yourself in this place, too. Although very unruly children are not uncommon, it certainly is a frustrating dilemma for parents and caretakers.
One of the best things you can do is to remain patient and predictable – easier said than done, right? When your kids are acting out, they are trying to tell you something, whether they realize it or not. It might be that they are scared about an upcoming, major homework assignment; maybe they are going through a fight with a friend at school; or maybe they are angry at your spouse or another family member about something completely unrelated to you. Your best approach is those two P’s: patient and predictable.
Try as best you can to speak in a calm, even tone, and convey that you are listening – as ridiculous as their blow-up may seem. Ensure that you are predictable, too: work to make your responses the same. Punishment, discipline, and even outward expressions of love should be consistent, so that your child can count on certain routines. They will begin to follow your example, in both your tone and actions. Their prefrontal cortex – the portion of the brain largely in control of functioning, reasoning, and “adult-ing,” as we would understand it, is not fully developed until usually the mid-twenties.
So, take some time to grow with your child and to understand that, to them, their moments of tantrum and anger may seem completely logical and easy. Encourage them to use to their words in a similar, quiet tone as yours, and ensure that they feel comfortable to come to you about whatever is wrong. They will appreciate your openness, and that safe place you offer will help them grow in amazingly positive ways.
Finally, take a step back and remember that this kind of work is not easy and may not produce immediate change. The end result, however, will be a far more peaceful and nurturing home environment.
