How do you say goodbye to a baby you will never hold? How do you cope with an identity change that is then denied? How do you process through both life and death in your womb? Losing a baby during pregnancy is an intensely personal, profound, and sometimes a life-changing experience. It is also often a silent and lonely grief.
GRIEVING YOUR BABY
No matter how far along you were in the pregnancy, losing a baby can leave a sense of deep emptiness. Nothing can satisfy arms that ache to hold the baby. You honor your baby by allowing yourself to go through the grieving process. Name your baby. Write him/her a letter. Buy a teddy bear and hold it close as you cry. Talk with friends or read memoirs of others who have walked this path. There is no right way to grieve, so follow your heart and do what works for you.
Grieving a baby is a vulnerable place, because few people understand if they have not experienced it. Well-meaning friends and family can say very hurtful things. Focus on their heart and be prepared with a response to help redirect them. That may be, “I appreciate your concern, but what I need to hear right now is that you are sorry for my loss.”
For Women…
Your husband/partner will likely grieve differently from you. Do not be surprised if his process is not as long or intense as yours. That is okay. That does not mean he didn’t love the baby. He did not share the same sense of intimacy that comes from carrying the child inside of you. He also did not have the constant physical reminders of pregnancy and life growing inside. Allow him to grieve and process in his own way.
Include your husband/partner in your grieving process. It is easy to drift apart in grief. Lean into him through the pain. He may not know how to help you, so let him know what you need as best you can. Don’t make him guess. Tell him if you need to talk, time alone, or just need to be held.
For Men…
It is important to allow your wife/partner freedom in her grieving process as well. There is no set timeline of when she should feel better. There is no way to make things better or to speed the process. Be present. Share your thoughts and feelings with her. Ask her questions about how she is doing. Hold each other through the tears and accept that there may be a season of grief.
For Friends and Family…
Grieving parents need love and support from friends and family, but a caution that words can be dangerous. There are many times when advise, challenges and speculations are appropriate. This is not one of those times. Here is a list of common well-meaning comments that can be very hurtful to grieving parents and should be avoided:
- At least you know you can get pregnant
- At least you have other healthy children
- Maybe you were just exercising too hard
- It must have been from all the stress you were under
- I’m sure the next pregnancy will be fine
The best way to help is to let your friend/family member know that you care about them, you are so sorry for their loss, and to be present.
MOVING FORWARD
Moving forward is different from moving on. Moving on is pretending it didn’t happen. Moving forward is choosing to incorporate your baby’s life and death as part of who you are. You never have to leave your baby behind. Take him/her with you in your heart and in your memory.
