I was standing in the check-out line the other day and the customer ahead of me was telling the clerk she was already exhausted and the holidays hadn’t even begun! I felt compassion for her experience, but I could also relate. I used to slide past the holidays like a rookie to first base, feeling breathless, worn-out, and downright spent. But as I became more aware of my fatigue, both physically and emotionally, I chose to set some clear boundaries in order to avoid the overcommitments and draining experiences that are often demanded of us, especially during the holiday season.
A boundary can be concrete, such as a fence separating two properties, or more abstract such as an emotional, relational or spiritual limit you set for yourself. While boundaries are easy to make, they are often easy to break. The holidays pose heightened challenges when the demands on our time, energy, finances, and emotions are many. This season, I have already created some new boundaries: kindly declining an invitation to a cookie exchange, setting financial limits for our gift spending, clearly communicating our desires for family gatherings, and evaluating my priorities for health and self-care during this taxing season.
As you consider your own boundary needs this holiday season, I encourage you to keep these four things in mind:
Know your why
When I first started setting healthy boundaries, part of me felt cruel, unkind and self-centered. I feared loss of relationships and judgment. My experience has shown the exact opposite to be true. As my boundaries became more defined, instead of feeling isolated, I felt more engaged with those I loved. I had more energy to pour into the things that mattered most. Slowly, I learned boundaries are meant to protect relationships, not harm them. People that were unable to honor or respect my limits slowly faded from my life and that separation was both healthy and necessary. Healthy boundaries create the structure and stability to ensure those relationships are life-giving, supportive and fulfilling.
Make the implicit explicit
When unspoken, boundaries can feel ambiguous and therefore difficult to make clear and keep consistent. Especially as we move into the holiday season, our boundaries are often stretched, set aside, and sometimes broken altogether. It’s easy to forgo the promises you made to yourself, replacing firm commitments with phrases such as just this once or because it’s Christmas. By being explicit with your wants, needs and desires you will be more likely to hold firm in your boundary setting. Writing them down, telling a friend, or sharing your boundaries with a therapist or mentor can create accountability to ensure your boundaries are held.
Boundaries speak for us
Boundaries tell others our values and priorities. When we say no to one thing, we are often saying yes to something we value more. An example of this could be saying no to planning the office Christmas party so you can say yes to having more time with your spouse and children. Saying no to buying that amazing new pair of shoes means saying yes to your future financial stability. When you make decisions in line with your values, boundaries become easier to make and keep. These boundaries then help define who we are – they communicate a message to ourselves and to others saying, ‘This is who and what I want to be about.’
You get to choose!
If you’re new to setting boundaries, you may be asking: How do I decide what kind of boundaries to set? When do I set them? What does that look like? or How firm should my boundary be? The good news is you get to decide what is needed and how that will look. Consider areas of your life you may be struggling and contemplate whether a boundary is needed. Common areas people set boundaries include finances, family, work, time, and health. Trust yourself–you know your needs best!
If you find you need a little support in this area, or are struggling around the holidays, our team at LiveFree would be honored to walk with you on your journey. To schedule a therapy appointment with Brooke Patterson or one of our licensed therapists at LiveFree Counseling. Please call 720.465.6180 for more information.
