Over and over again, I see kind-hearted men who are doing the very best they can with their relationship to their wife, and they can’t seem to get any head way. These men have spent years giving to their wife and their family. They go to work at a job they can’t stand. They participate in the social or church their wife thinks will help grow them closer. They go to kids’ games, concerts, and help with fundraisers. They are doing a lot. So, they come to my office with a mix of confusion, exhaustion, and anger. What am I doing wrong? I’m doing everything I’m supposed to, and she’s still not happy.
First off, gentlemen, often times the answer to the problem isn’t more doing, but better communication. Look toward the quality of connection, rather than the quantity.
Secondly, I believe you. You are doing what you can, but the deck is stacked against you. No one has ever really given you an example of what it looks like to do family well. The dilemma you find yourself in is a real one. And you find yourself in a catch twenty-two. On one side you are faced with passivity, which let’s be honest, is where some of us land. We’ve tried everything, and nothing seems to work, so we just stop trying. On the other hand, the model that we have is being assertive or even aggressive. But for most guys, the aggressive thing doesn’t really work. The reason it doesn’t work is that it feels fake. And it feels fake because we confuse assertive with aggressive.
We see aggressive as those guys who want to make their wives submit. They dominate their wives through belittling them, sexism, withholding finances, etc. And that’s not you! And left with these two extremes, you’re between a rock and a hard place. You feel as if you either need to stay the course (which is not working and you are growing distant from your family, despite your best efforts), or you need to be someone you’re not—be a jerk.
For those who have been passive in the past, the target is not to become aggressive or even assertive. The target ought be: intentional and proactive. Now you might say, That’s what I’m doing. And my answer might be, You are being intentional, but not in the right ways. Rather than merely showing up physically, you need show up emotionally. When your wife says she misses you and wants to connect. Don’t roll your eyes, find a babysitter, and find out what’s playing at the movie theater. Instead, put some effort into the date. She doesn’t want to just spend time with you, she wants to spend intentional time with you. What are things you can do to connect with her heart? Ask her questions about her emotions. Do something that shows you delight in her. Nurture romance.
In parenting your kids, don’t just show up to the games, show up for their hearts. Spend time entering their thoughts and emotions, not in a judgmental way, but in an inquisitive way. A way that honors their unique experiences and perspectives.
When we live an intentional life, a little effort goes a long way! You don’t have to be a counselor to do this type of connecting. You just have to put yourself out there in a vulnerable way. If you start a conversation with I want to connect with your heart, then whatever follows will likely move toward that direction. You can do this. Really, you can. And if you need a bit of help refining your efforts and learning better ways to connect, please come and see me.
To schedule a therapy appointment with Nathaniel Gustafson or one of our therapists at LiveFree Counseling, please call 720.465.6180 or click here
