I often have couples come in asking Are we codependent? I bite my tongue a little bit when I hear this. The reason I hold back is because there is no such thing as codependency; well, at least not officially. Codependency is not listed in the DSM-5 (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders). Then why do we hear so much about it? Good question.
For this blog I’ll give a very brief explanation about the emergence of the idea of codependency. I will also debunk some myths about the relationship. By the end of this blog, I hope you can have confidence in your independence as a person in the context of a securely attached relationship.
Codependency is not a thing, according to the DMS-5. The reason codependency is not in the DSM-5 is that it diagnoses individuals, not couples. The DMS-5 does have a diagnosis for Dependent Personality Disorder. But for codependency to exist, it has to look at the relationship, and the DSM-5 only looks at an individual.
The idea of codependency emerged from addiction counseling. What addiction counselors discovered is that the family system, or social system, often reinforces the atmosphere for addicts to act out. Counselors would see an addict sober up at in-patient treatment, only to learn they relapsed once they were outside. It was as if the system the addict came from did not know what to do with a sober addict. The system then pressured the addict to go back to their addiction for homeostasis back to what normal was for the family—with the addict in their addiction. (It’s kind of like when you first went home from college and your parents treated you like a child again. You’d changed, but your parents never got the memo.)
Disclaimer: I am painting in very broad strokes here. I am not absolving the addict from his/her responsibility to conquer their addiction. It’s not the family’s fault.
The idea of codependency got popularized by self-help gurus and daytime talk shows. And now, everyone wonders if their relationship is codependent. The consequence of this is that many people second guess even healthy relationships. If there is any sense that their partner has an expectation, heartache, or influence over the other, then alarm bells of codependency start going off.
Here’s the thing, the very nature of healthy, connected relationship is dependence upon one another. We’re supposed to rely upon one another. We often call that team work. In the couples counseling setting we call that a securely attached relationship. Besides, our pendulum swings from codependence to independence. We sign up for a relationship because we don’t like being completely independent, we don’t like being alone.
So, rather than codependence or independence, our target for a healthy relationship should be interdependence. Interdependence maintains the identity of each individual, while creating something beautiful and healthy in the relationship. Here, the relationship gives each individual more than they could achieve if they did life on their own. It allows you to show up as a healthy individual with all of your hurts, hopes, ideas and dreams. It also allows you to have great respect for your partner’s hurts, hopes, ideas and dreams. There is room for both of you to be fully you.
To schedule a therapy appointment with Nathaniel Gustafson or one of our therapists at LiveFree Counseling, please call 720.465.6180 or click here
