If you have experienced trauma, it can influence your parenting in ways you may not be conscious of. This is because trauma is not stored in the same way non-traumatic memories are—trauma may be completely buried or often presenting itself in uncomfortable fragments and at inopportune times.
This can be problematic as parents when we are confronted with difficult scenarios when raising children. Sometimes our fears may overwhelm us, our anger can be disproportionate to the issue at hand, or we may just shut down and not face the problematic behaviors our children present us with.
This can result in parenting styles that are characterized by trauma. Below is a list of those parenting styles and how children respond to them.
Control: Many times, a traumatized person re-experiences loss of control – the memory of being in an unsafe/terrifying environment is close to the surface and a parent may react by controlling his/her children’s every move. Kids tend to rebel in environments with control.
Helicopter: The desire to protect our children is a natural one. However, trauma can twist this natural tendency into an over sheltering of the child. If this continues, the child can be unprepared for the challenges the world will inevitably provide them.
Avoidant: Parenting can bring up things from our past that we may very likely wish to avoid. Parents may avoid activities and experiences that may have caused them difficulty in the past. This can limit children and their ability to follow their interests, learn and grow.
Withdrawal from child’s emotional needs: Parenting brings a host of emotions: Love, anger, fear, sadness, guilt, etc. A traumatized parent may attempt to keep clear of these emotions and unknowingly neglect the emotional needs of their child.
If you recognize your style of parenting in any of the above descriptions, your trauma may be impacting how you parent. This list is not intended to create judgment or shame, but to increase awareness. When we are aware, then we can take the steps to heal the underlying trauma – there is hope!
First, acknowledge the past experiences are still alive in your adult self and it is imperative to understand what trauma means to you as an adult. Find a trauma informed counselor and use their support to acknowledge what happened. Feel the feelings that trauma produced, in a safe setting.
Finally find a way to frame the trauma in a meaningful way that does not include a negative self-concept. Your therapist can help you discover helpful tools to manage the ways your trauma impacts you as a parent. You will be able to parent in a healthy manner and be there for your own children in the fullest of capacities.
At LiveFree Counseling, we are trained in helping people heal from trauma. To schedule a therapy appointment with Lee Dudley or one of our therapists at LiveFree Counseling, please call 720.465.6180 or click here.
