Grief. Mourning. Pain. Death is a part of the human experience, yet we are often so removed from it that it feels unnatural when forced to face it. It leaves the loved ones disorientated and wondering how to proceed when life as it once was, is gone.
Dr. Kübler-Ross outlined 5 stages of grief in her book On Death and Dying. These stages, though not always followed sequentially or passed through only once, give a helpful way of understanding the grieving process.
1. Denial. This is the initial, gut wrenching phase when the heart and mind is overwhelmed and refuses to believe that the death is true.
2. Anger. Strong feelings of anger emerge and may be directed at the person who died for leaving, at God for taking them, or at self for not being able to prevent the death.
3. Bargaining. During the bargaining phase, there can be a sense of desperation and attempts to somehow change the reality of the death.
4. Depression. The fight is gone and sadness sets in at a depth perhaps not experienced before.
5. Acceptance. When someone has lost a loved one, accepting it does not mean forgetting about that person, but over time they begin to believe that it will be okay and that they can go on with life.
FOR THOSE GRIEVING…
- Allow yourself to grieve. There are no “right” and “wrong” ways to grieve, nor is there a set time limit.
- Sometimes you just need to focus on making it through one moment at a time.
- It’s okay to cry…and it’s okay to laugh.
- Be gentle with yourself.
- For grieving parents…make sure you make time to let yourself grieve in the midst of helping your children grieve.
FOR THOSE SUPPORTING FRIENDS/FAMILY WHO ARE GRIEVING…
- Contact the grieving person a week, a month, two months after the funeral. The loneliest time is often the weeks following the funeral when friends and family have gone home and on with lives.
- Holidays and anniversaries are hard. Make a special effort to connect around those times.
- Offer meals, babysitting, cleaning around the house, etc. to help with the life transition and to give them time to grieve.
- It’s okay if you don’t know what to say. Truth is, there really isn’t anything to say and nothing will take away the pain. Sometimes it’s best to simply be present, tell them that you care, or share a memory of the loved one who died.
Photo by seyed mostafa zamani CC BY 2.0.
