It is a sad truth that the only emotion it seems acceptable for us men to have is anger. We have been taught to suppress, repress, and deny most of our feelings; particularly those seen as softer and more vulnerable. But because anger is viewed as a truly masculine emotion, it tends to be our go-to emotion. The problem, though, is that feelings of anger and rage tend to come out everywhere, triggered by anyone and anything.
Understanding Anger
Maybe your boss called you out for poor job performance. What you should feel is disappointed in yourself; instead, rage towards him overbears in conversations with your coworkers later that night.
Or your wife tells you that she does not feel very connected to you. What you should feel is sadness and fear that you are losing her; instead, you are frustrated that she rarely has sex with you since the kids came along.
Then your kid falls off his bike and breaks his arm. What you should feel is compassion and worry; instead, you belittle him for riding without a helmet.
What is going on here? Why do we do this? As with most of the things I write, there is no easy answer. There is a lot going on. At the heart of it is that many of us men are distant from our genuine emotions. Because we are distant from them, when these emotions come up, we do not engage with them in a way that will help us resolve how we feel.
Emotion Creep: What is it and how does it affect us?
The strategy that many men tend to employ is suppression, AKA sweeping those emotions under the rug. But after we have stuffed so many things under our rug, there comes a point when nothing else will fit. Eventually, the contents shoved under the rug will seep out in other areas of our life—this is known as emotion creep. What does this look like and how does it affect us?
Things are not going well in your job, and despite all of your best efforts, it feels like you just can’t make your boss happy. You might feel depressed, discouraged, hopeless, defeated, and more. Rather than dealing with these emotions in the context of your job, you shove them under the rug and go home.
Once home, you still haven’t resolved anything, and the emotions creep out in harmful ways. You shift all of those work emotions onto your wife, kids, and even the cat. All of a sudden, your wife, not your boss, is never happy with you—and you tell her as much. Then your kids, not your coworkers, never pull their weight around the house—and you take it out on them. Even your cat, not your administrative assistant, is completely aloof (No wait, that’s real. Cats are aloof. So, the cat reminds you of your administrative assistant who appears aloof…and you get mad at the cat).
Why do we do this?
With our family, we feel safer. It is easier to take it out on them then to discuss your frustration with your boss. Although it might feel safer, it harms you and your family. After an unfortunate night at home, still, nothing is resolved. Not only do you feel all of those original emotions, but you also feel like a terrible husband, father, and an awful cat owner.
So then, what’s the answer?
The short answer: feel what you feel and lean into vulnerability by sharing what you feel with others. Brene Brown offers excellent books dealing with this sort of thing; I recommend Daring Greatly as a starting point.
Should you continue to have difficulty accessing emotions, consider counseling. I would be happy to work with you. I walk with men as they come into the fullness of what life has to offer them. And part of that fullness is appreciating, experiencing, and sharing our emotional self.
This is not a sign of weakness like we’ve been told. Instead, it is a sign of strength, in risking the most vulnerable part of who we are. The benefits are less anxiety, confidence in self, and deeper connections in relationships.
