I can’t tell you how many times this week I’ve encountered an acquaintance, a familiar friend or even a family member who greeted me with a, “Hi! How are you!?” or “Hey! What’s up!?” It is our social norm to ask a question about how someone is doing, but generally speaking it is not common to wait for an answer or even give a thoughtful, heartfelt response. More often than not, when asked, I find myself saying “Fine!” or “Great!” or “Can’t complain!” when in reality, I may have something significant or celebratory to share. On the other hand, I may have had an immensely difficult day and could really use an opportunity to tell someone how I really am, not just dismissively placate their well-meaning platitude with a canned response.
Why is this!? I wonder if our lack of emotional connection with those we encounter on a daily basis is less about not wanting to be vulnerable or authentic, but more about being disconnected from our own selves. It’s not that we aren’t answering honestly when we reply with “fine”, but rather, we truly don’t know how to answer the question, “How are you?” If this sounds like you, I’ve been right there with you. The good news is we don’t always have to do what we’ve always done. Here are a few practical ways to connect with your own emotions.
Begin to ask how others are feeling instead of how they are doing
This little shift in verbage can make a big difference. Pay attention to how your family, friends, neighbors, acquaintances and co-workers respond. What is their demeanor like? What is their facial expression communicating? Do they use feeling words when they respond? By being aware of and tapping into the emotions of others, we can often begin to relate with their experience and begin to feel more comfortable recognizing our own feelings. We all have emotions, we might as well be comfortable getting to know them!
Don’t be ashamed to channel your inner child
Many schools these days are teaching social-emotional learning to their students as young as preschool! This is because developing emotional vocabulary and expression doesn’t always come naturally to us, especially if emotions weren’t modeled in a healthy or appropriate way when we were young. If you struggle to identify how you feel, there is no shame in using tools such as feelings wheels or a chart with faces labeled with different emotions to begin to identify and connect with your feelings.
Do a body scan
Our minds and bodies are intricately connected. Even if your mind can’t find the word to label an emotion, your body may be doing it’s best to tell you something. You may notice your face feels hot–are you angry? Your belly may be in knots–are you anxious? You may be having a hard time staying still or your foot is tapping–are you excited about something? Maybe your body feels sluggish or heavy–is there sadness there? If you listen to what your body is saying, you may be able to label your emotion easier than you thought!
Identify safe people and places
Once you are able to identify your feelings, you will then be able to respond to them and give them what they need. Sometimes our emotions simply need someone to hear that they are there and validate their presence. It isn’t always acceptable or appropriate to share our feelings with others–this is often true at work, with an unfamiliar person, or in social situations. But, knowing your safe people and places with whom you can share openly, honestly and authentically can give voice to your experience and help you process what is truly happening for you.
If you or someone you know is looking for a safe place to connect and share emotions, please don’t hesitate to reach out to our office. To schedule a therapy appointment with Brooke Patterson or one of our licensed therapists at LiveFree Counseling. Please call 720.465.6180 for more information.
