By: Nathaniel Gustafson
There is no shortage of advice on how to build a better marriage. The cold hard fact is this: There is no easy fix. Even if you do fix the crisis of the day, another problem emerges. We think marriage should function like a 90’s kitchen gadget, “Set it and forget it.” It simply doesn’t work this way. We as individuals constantly change in big and small ways. And because we change, our relationships change as well. What works this month, might not work next. So, as we begin the series of building a better marriage, let’s examine some of the common myths of marriage. Myths that if we buy into them, leave us defeated, feeling like failures, and wondering if marriage is really worth it.
Myth #1: X will fix us (where X is any change to the situation of life)
How often have we thought that something outside the relationship will fix the tension inside the relationship? Once we get married he’ll settle down and put me above football, drinking buddies, etc. Once we have kids, she’ll have something to focus on and won’t be so needy. When I get that job/raise, then I’ll be able to dedicate more time to my spouse. Once the kids are out of diapers when they are in school when they can drive, when the kids move out of the house, when the kids get married…then life will be different. And it never really is.
These external factors absolutely influence a marriage, but they won’t change the marriage. Each of these factors is outside the relationship. In order to bring real and lasting change, change much come from within the relationship.
Myth #2: Sex is a good indicator of relational health
There are some that believe that a good sex life is an indicator of a good relationship. As long as we’re having sex, then everything is okay. This myth is rooted in our modern understanding of sex that it is the ultimate form of connection. Intimacy is boiled down to a mere physical act. Later this month, we will look at true intimacy—intimacy beyond just sex.
Myth #3: We know each other’s love languages, so we’re good
Love Languages, by Gary Chapman, is a wonderful book, don’t get me wrong. There is something to the five types of love languages: acts of service, words of affirmation, quality time, physical touch, and gifts. But all too often I see a pattern with couples who strictly adhere to love languages. At first, the couple dutifully meets their partner’s need. But after a while, even though their love languages are being met, the couple doesn’t feel connected. It appears a bit disorienting, because they are doing everything right, but why am I feeling like there is something wrong. I then see couples use love languages as artillery against one another. “If you would only spend more quality time with me…you know I need quality time.” “Why would I want to spend quality time with you when you never give me words of affirmation?” Love languages are not enough for a solid relationship.
Myth #4: She needs to respect him, and he needs to love her
This myth is taken from another popular book about marriage. Again, there are some good principles and good truths in the book, but this myth is based on gross stereotypes. Men and women have far more than one need they want their partner to meet. We are complex, our needs change often, and we grow accustomed to things and they lose their meaning. Here too, I have seen these ‘truths’ be used against partners during fights, “I told you I love you, what more do you need?” Many of these myths try and make marriage simple. It isn’t, and it can’t be done.
Myth #5: She is so irrational when she gets emotional
Actually, she usually is completely rational when she gets emotional. There is what is going on at the surface level: he didn’t take out the garbage. This truly is not something to have a knockdown, drag-out fight. But beyond the surface, there is what she is feeling when he doesn’t take out the garbage: he doesn’t care about me. This IS something worth fighting for. So often wives are accused of being irrational because the husband isn’t listening to her heart, because he’s merely listening to her words.
Myth #6: He’s so detached
Okay, so this one might be a bit truer, but there is a reason he detaches—he’s scared. She goes off on him for not caring about her (and it comes out as him not taking out the garbage), he goes into fight or flight mode. He’s panicked. And just as she has a surface level and a deeper level, he’s got that too. So, on the surface he’s steady as a rock, inside he is flooded with so many emotions they are bottled up and stuck. It’s not that he is detached from his emotions. It’s more that he is flooded with all kinds of emotions, and he’s never been taught or encouraged to communicate emotions, particularly ones that aren’t manly.
Myth 5 and 6 tend to feed off one another, creating a cycle within a relationship. These cycles, and the inability to get to the depth of the problems to find a resolution, are why couples have the same fights over and over again. Later this month the Building a Better Marriage series will address cycles and how to navigate a different way to communicate to finally resolve the same old fights.
Most pop psychology/fix your marriage books would have you believe that there is a tremendous chasm between men and women. It’s so big that it takes a near miracle to make marriages work. For some, this is a comfort because they’ve worked so hard and haven’t been able to make it work. For others, this becomes an excuse not to put in the work—because it’s never going to work. My experience working with couples suggests that men and women are actually more alike than they are different. We have core needs we long for our partner to meet. And to articulate those deep needs takes tremendous courage and trust. But when we finally do, and our partner responds, it is a powerful and wonderful thing!
To learn more or to schedule an appointment with Nathaniel, call 720.465.6180.
