By Nathaniel Gustafson
In this blog series of Building a Better Marriage, we have been looking at the “why” questions behind what we do so far. Today’s topic focuses on 5 tools to help your marriage.
1. Slow things down
The first strategy to improve communication is to slow the conversation down. So many times emotions get surging and we find ourselves reacting rather than responding. In order to engage your partner differently, you’ll need more time to 1) understand what your partner is saying and what they mean by what they are saying, 2) sort out what you are feeling. If you say the first thing that pops into your head, you’ll likely regret it later and you are likely listening well to your partner. There are all kinds of talk formulas out there (“I feel…when you…”), these are helpful, but if you focus only on what you are going to say, you are missing what they are saying. The key is to slow down and try to understand what they are saying rather than planning your response
2. Over-communicate intentions
We can only see behaviors. We can only hear words. We are left to assume everything else. If you are in the midst of a conversation and your husband gets very quiet, you might get frantic wondering why he is pulling away. Your husband, on the other hand, might actually be very engaged, but completely overwhelmed. What you assumed was him pulling away, was actually him gathering his thoughts because he was thinking and feeling new things. If you as the husband over communicate, then you verbally say, “I know that I’m getting quiet. It’s not because I am pulling away, it is just that a lot of what is being said is hitting me at a deep level and I do not know how to respond.”
3. Go to the deepest level
In the last blog, we looked at the three levels of communication. There is communication at the behavioral level, the emotional level, and the core wound/need level. Wounds and needs are vulnerable to share, so instead of expressing them clearly we often communicate them indirectly in behavior. When she says, “Why didn’t you do the dishes?” she might actually be attempting to communicate, “Sometimes I feel you take me for granted. I feel unloved.” So, in order to improve communication: 1) Do your own work around what you are truly feeling—communicate at the deepest level. 2) Pave the way for your partner to go to the deepest level. How? Listen, really listen to them—not just to the words, but to the deeper meaning. Ask deeper questions, questions that go to emotions, needs, and wounds. Offer acceptance. When your partner goes to those deep, vulnerable places, you need to honor their efforts at intimacy.
4. Recognize your own triggers
In the perfect world, we would be able to listen without our own baggage getting in the way. Unfortunately, that is not how it usually goes. Why is it that each time your partner says one thing, you tend to hear something else? He says, “Thanks for dinner.” You hear, “The chicken was dry, again.” Many times our own baggage or triggers prevent us from hearing what our partner actually is saying. The more self-aware you are, the better you will be at hearing your partner. You can advocate for yourself by acknowledging your stuff, then putting it on the back burner, in order to be more present with your partner. By owning your own stuff, you stop blaming your partner and waiting for them to change. Then you start changing the only person you actually have control over—yourself.
5. Celebrate your partner and yourself
Of all of the points to improve communication, this might be the most important. Celebrating your partner and yourself is not blowing smoke and lying. Instead, it is acknowledging the efforts and the work you and your partner are pursuing. So many times, when we attempt to make changes, we get discouraged quickly. Our focus seems to be only what is going wrong and not what is going right. To change ourselves and our relationship, we must be patient and celebrate the advancements which are being made in order to maintain momentum. Do not neglect the difficult parts of your relationship, but augment the hard work with moments of kindness and levity.
