Building a Better Marriage – Getting Unstuck

Everyone wants a better marriage, but the question is how to get there. There are no shortage of books, seminars, and internet articles that are going to tell us how to have the best marriage ever. However, many find that even after applying the techniques of using “I” statements and expressing how “I feel,” that they are still stuck. Do get unstuck and the pattern of fighting about the same things over and over, we have to dive a little deeper.

Have you ever taken a step back from your fights to see the patterns? Many times it seems that whether you are talking about who does the dishes or whether your partner thinks your drinking is becoming problematic, all of the fights seems to follow the same trajectory. Here is an example that may feel familiar. For the sake of ease: Men, I’m going to speak to you. Your wife [cautiously] brings up her concern that rather than helping her with the dishes, you always seem to find the latest sporting event that you simply must see. You explain your sports viewing by reiterating how stress at work is overwhelming and sports are the only thing that allows you to take a break. In turn, your wife responds with a mix of anger and tears, claiming that you don’t love her. Things escalated at lightning speed. One moment you were talking about the dishes, the next moment you were accused of not loving her. What just happened?

To explain what happened, we need to examine levels of communication and the cycle  manifesting in your relationship. Sue Johnson, developer of Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy (EFT) suggests that there are three levels of communication: behavioral, emotional, and core need. It is easiest to talk at a behavioral level. We talk about the weather, the kids, schedule, the news, and the dishes. Couples who are stuck at this level often report to feeling more like roommates than husband and wife. 

A deeper and more risky level is the emotional level. Here couples talk about their feelings. Men often struggle here because we are culturally conditioned to have one emotion—anger. Couples who communicate at this level are able to connect an emotional level. Empathy is felt as each partner shares and is heard by the other. 

The final level of needs and wounds is the “why” level. It is the deepest part of our being that explains why we do what we do. It encompasses such things as our dreams, desires, wounds, and needs. Couples who routinely communicate at this level develop true intimacy with their partner. They tend to have more patience and understanding. They also feel safe and secure in communicating everything about themselves. This is the riskiest level. Rejection here feels like a rejection of our true self. On the other hand, acceptance here produces freedom and is felt as genuine unconditional love. 

Back to our example about the dishes…it wasn’t about the dishes. She was communicating a core need using behavioral language. Although her words were, “I would like your help with the dishes,” the meaning was, “Do you love me more than football?” And when you responded that football gives you relief, it added insult to injury. What she heard you say wasn’t “I can zone out to football”; instead, she heard you say, “You are a stress to me, just like work.” Her tears and anger were not a product of you not doing the dishes, they were in response to you not meeting her on that deep level. She felt rejected thereby confirming her fear that you do not love her more than football.

That is the wife’s side of the equation, but husbands, you have your own stuff going on your own filters about what she is saying. When she asks you to do the dishes, you hear, “You are a lazy, no good husband who takes me for granted.” And when you hear that message, you get defensive and attempt to justify yourself by reiterating how hard you work. Which in turn hits her at that deep “you don’t love me” level. She goes into tears, and you feel as if you have failed again. You feel a bit disoriented and wonder, what just happened? We were just talking about the dishes and football, how did went end up here again? How did we end up in the place where I’ll never be good enough, and she’ll never feel loved by me?

This is the cycle. You both react to one another from your own place of need and fear and when those needs and fears are not met, there are profound wounds. The question becomes, why do we always end up here? Because you desperately want your partner to meet your needs…and that is a beautiful thing. Unfortunately, since you both are not articulating your needs and fears at that deepest level, your partner does not meet those needs and you both end up hurt and confused.

Next time you have your fight, try to step back and own your part in your cycle. Stop and ask yourself what the deepest part of you needs. Then, reengage and tell your partner your needs not at a behavioral level, but at a heart level. Next week, I will give some practical tools in order for you to communicate at that deepest level.

To learn more or to schedule an appointment with Nathaniel, call 720.465.6180.