There are seven forms of intimacy: intellectual, spiritual, emotional, proximal, recreational, touch, and sexual intimacy as developed by Jason and Shelley Martinkus, and published in Shelley’s book, Rescued. As couples intentionally seek out these forms of intimacy, their relationship grows. The relationship feels more safe and secure. With many of the couples I see, as they learn how to be more intimate, they tend to fight less.
Intellectual and proximal intimacy are usually the two forms of intimacy that come most naturally to couples. Proximal intimacy, being close in proximity, is pretty easy to accomplish—simply being around one another. Intellectual intimacy is talking about what you think. It can be as heady as politics or as fun as your favorite TV show.
Spiritual and emotional intimacy tend to be a bit more difficult for couples to accomplish. Spiritual intimacy is not praying or going to church together, instead, it is being known at a soul level. Your soul level might include God, wrestling with existential things, or it may be your moral compass. Emotional intimacy is often more difficult for men because we are taught that we have one acceptable emotion: anger. It is difficult to tap into the more vulnerable emotions such as fear, rejection, or heartache, but when we do so and share with our partner, it produces emotional connection. Men, the more we share our hearts, the more likely it is our spouse will feel safe to share her’s.
The next two forms of intimacy incorporate some of the first four types of intimacy. Recreational intimacy incorporates proximity and intellect. Now, recreational intimacy is not playing basketball together, though it could include that. Recreational intimacy is anything you do that re-creates your relationship. Recreational intimacy could be going on a date night, playing scrabble together, planning for the future, etc. These are the things you do to breathe life into your relationship. Another form of intimacy is non-sexual touch. These are the touches throughout the day that do not have sexual connotations associated with them. Non-sexual touch includes things such as holding hands, cuddling on the couch while watching a movie, a peck on the cheek, etc. This form of intimacy brings proximal and emotional intimacy together.
The final level of intimacy is sexual intimacy. The key to true sexual intimacy is to bring all of the forms of intimacy to the sexual experience. Often times our culture relegates sex to physical pleasure. This completely diminishes what sexual intimacy can be. Intellectual, spiritual, emotional, and proximal intimacy create true sexual intimacy, which goes far beyond physical pleasure.
A good marriage is not determined by sex. If, however, you take the time and energy to cultivate all the other forms of intimacy, it will improve your marriage and result in feeling closer. And that may very well result in a better sex life.
