There’s something special about the beginning of the school year. The excitement of a new classroom, the potential of new friends, the mechanical pencil and the monster pencil topper. And with all of the newness, there are certain things that stay the same at the beginning of every new class: class rules, learning each other’s names, a fresh start with new possibilities. There is a rhythm to the school year, and at its start we feel potential, optimism, and renewed energy.
What if we were to treat our marriages the same way? What if we were to set natural rhythms and opportunities to reset – to periodically, stop, evaluate, and purposefully set a new trajectory? My clinical supervisor is fond of the word “co-create” in couples’ work. It is an empowering word that allows the couple to work together to determine their relationship. It also puts the responsibility on the couple in essence saying, “Who else will change your relationship but you?” (Now, I fully understand it is easier said than done, but it helps shift how many of us view our relationships).
So, here are some areas you could examine to determine if they are still what you want for your relationship. Use the beginning of the school year to breathe new life into your relationship.
Time Management
Over and over, I see couples who made decisions about how to spend their time struggle when life changes, but their time management does not change along with it. Couples with infants might stop doing date nights because of their newborn. Three years later, they haven’t moved out of the infant phase, and the relational tension is building.
Are there patterns and routines you need to reevaluate for the health of your relationship? Maybe rather than watching a show after dinner, you could take a family walk. Perhaps your work schedule has more flexibility than you give it credit for. Maybe you need to get out the calendar and make some plans.
Finances
Yes, I said it: finances. Having a talk about finances is kind of like going to the gym; if you only do it once a year, you’ll end up sore for the next week. But, if you make a regular habit of connecting about your budget and finances, then it does not hurt as much.
Additionally, many couples only talk about finances when a crisis arises; therefore, it is always a difficult talk. But if you address it when times are good, then you can celebrate as a couple. Finances don’t have to have a negative stigma.
Communication
Communication is the area most couples identify as needing the most work. As you refresh your communication style in your relationship you need to have a meta-conversation about your communication. Talk about how you talk. Take turns learning how each of you feels most heard by your partner. Look for patterns of what helps you engage more in conversation. Look for patterns as to when you tend to pull back from conversations. Share these observations with your partner and ask for what you need. Make a commitment to go deeper in your communication—move past what you think and into what you feel.
As there is excitement about the new school year ahead, harness some of that excitement and apply it to your relationship. If you initiate a conversation during a calm time, rather than a crisis, it will likely go much better. And if you and your partner are stuck, I would be happy to walk alongside you as you co-create a new reality for your relationship.
To schedule a therapy appointment with Nathaniel Gustafson or one of our therapists at LiveFree Counseling, please call 720.465.6180 or click here
