The final step of relationship repair when healing from an affair isn’t so much a step, but a life long pursuit. Restoration and redemption occurs as individuals and couples apply what they learned in the first two stages to the rest of life.
The process of restoration recognizes that the affair’s harm was not limited to the marriage relationship. The ramifications of the affair were not limited to the couple. The affair effects everything—self image, relationship with children, social engagements, work performance, spiritual life, etc. As the couple begins to reestablish life outside of their relationship, restoration can begin to take place. The offending partner, where appropriate, addresses how his betrayal as influenced the whole of life.
In the initial stages of recovery, individuals take a honest look at who they are—without acting in through excuses, rationalizations, or minimizations. The groundwork for trust is laid as the offending partner acts with integrity by doing what he says he will do, regardless if the hurt partner accepts it or even acknowledges it. During the relationship repair stage, the couple learns new ways of communicating honestly and authentically with one another. Rather than trying to fix one another or impress one another, the couple shows vulnerability through intimacy. This leads to acceptance of one another—warts and all.
Redemption occurs as old ways of doing life are left behind. Speaking truthfully, living in integrity, and leaning into intimacy are markers of redemption—especially when they show up in all aspects of life. As an employee, you go to your boss with problems, rather than gossiping to coworkers. As a parent, you accept your failures and apologize, rather than making excuses and blaming. As a church member, you get past small talk, take off your masks, and honestly share your struggles. A major marker of redemption can be seen in the offending partner. The motivation for personal change shifts. Rather than desiring change for fear of losing the relationship, the motivation comes from a desire to become the best person they can be.
If you are in the process of attempting to heal from an affair, I am so sorry. I hope this series has given some sense of stability in an otherwise impossible situation. My intention is to offer hope that not only can you make it as an individual, but you can make it as a couple was well. You do not have to get divorced. You also do not have to accept a broken marriage.
If you’ve read this far, then it is likely that you are dedicated to the work of healing. If you need help and guidance, I would be honored if you chose me to come alongside, help, and guide you as heal from betrayal. Call me at 720.465.6180.
