As we continue with our series on healing from an affair, I must give a note of caution. Today’s subject is relationship repair. A temptation, especially for the offending partner, is to jump straight to this step in the healing process. Do not do it. Much work, months if not years, must be spent on the recovery aspect of healing. To jump straight to relationship repair would be like building a house on a weak foundation—it might look pretty for a while, but it will eventually crack and crumble. Below are some guidelines as to what to focus on during this stage of the process.
As the hurt partner I encourage you to take what you need. There are going to be moments when you want to try. When you want to push past your fears and think the best of your partner. You see some of the work he is doing and hope it is true and will last. During those moments you might need reassurance, encouragement, or physical touch. There are other, just as valid, moments where your anger scares even you. Your brain is spinning and the very thought of him makes your stomach churn. No part of you wants things to work. He is the one who broke everything, he is the one that must fix it. During these moments keep yourself safe and give yourself grace. Just because the frequency of the triggers has calmed down since discovery, doesn’t mean the intensity has calmed when they do come. And just because there are days you don’t want to try, does not mean you are doing anything wrong. You are still grieving. Fight the lie that you should be over the affair by now.
As the offending partner your ability to feel what you feel is vital for healing your relationship. Your ability to empathize with your partner is key to establishing your new relationship as a safe place. But in order for your to empathize with your partner, you first must be able to tap into your own emotions. You need to tap into your shame, guilt, fears, and disappointments.
Both of you should invest in relationships with other people who support your marriage. This is likely very hard to do. Affairs have a way of isolating. First, you likely don’t want to be all that social due to the grief you are experiencing. Second, no one really knows what to say and it’s awkward. Third, many times friends aren’t aware of the affair, which isolates you even further. Fourth, what do you do with couple friends when it feels like they are taking sides? Fifth, there are times when you need the vent a bit about your spouse, but when they take your side and agree with you, it feels like a violation and you need to protect your spouse…and you don’t want to protect your spouse. So, yeah, it’s messy and hard. But just because it is messy and hard does not mean you should avoid it. Now is a good time to redefine relationships, be open and honest with what you need and ask for it.
Triggers are so hard. The worst triggers are literally a form of post traumatic stress disorder. How do you deal with them? Again, the hurt partner—take what you need. The offending partner, give her what she needs, and always start with the assumption that she needs you to come alongside her. At this point in the process, you have walked alongside her and are doing your work to earn her trust. These are the moments she needs you to show up with humility and empathy. Answer her questions truthfully (for the hundredth time if necessary). Join her in her pain. Give her the safety that you will never leave her alone again. If you try and escape from these intense moments, by shutting down emotionally, physically leaving, or becoming defensive, you are abandoning her all over again. She needs you to show up. She does not need you to fix her…there is no fixing the affair. What’s done is done. There is no easy button. No time machine. Rather than fixing it, you need to join her. Join her in the pain you created, do not leave her alone in that pain. You must accept who you were, what you thought, and the behaviors you chose to participate in that led to the affair—own your stuff and grieve it. You must validate and empathize your wife’s emotions. Don’t attempt to make her feel better. Instead, be there with her as she navigates the pain. As you do these things, you are creating a new foundation of emotional support. A foundation upon which you can build the rest of your relationship.
For more information on how to heal from betrayal or an affair, call me at 720.465.6180. I would be happy to help you navigate the healing process.
