Affairs are devastating. They disrupt the very core of the relationship, leaving both partners questioning who they are and the strength of their relationship. Over the next five weeks, we will examine some key aspects of healing from the betrayal of an affair.
Affair is a very specific form of betrayal. Other forms, such as emotional affairs and pornography use, can be just as devastating to a relationship.
If the content of these posts hits home—if you are in the throws of discovery of an affair or have never healed from betrayal, I am so very sorry. There are simply no words for the devastation you are experiencing. But, there is hope. The majority of marriages that experience an affair actually do not end in divorce. This can either be very hopeful or very scary. It could mean that the couple stays together, but never heals. It also might mean that couples put in the hard work to deal with the affair, changing as individuals and as a couple.
I specialize in working with couples dealing with the fallout after betrayal. My approach is to focus on three R’s of healing after betrayal: recovery, relationship repair, and redemption. These R’s will be explained at length in upcoming posts. For now, I would like to give an overview of the general arch of healing from betrayal. I liken this process to a car accident.
A Metaphor for Healing from Betrayal
Triage. The triage stage is the initial discovery of the affair, and is often like a car crash. Couples are in crisis and immediate intervention is required. There is a tremendous amount of volatility and uncertainty. Most couples experience profound isolation, from each other and other friendships.
Emergency Room. After the initial crisis has passed, a patient is moved from the crash site to the emergency room. Things are still moving at a frantic pace, but there is some stability as there is now a safe place, the therapy office, to begin to do surgical work. This is the learning phase. A history of the unfaithful partner is usually necessary to give some sense of stability to the hurt partner. In order for the hurt partner to eventually get to a place of forgiveness, he or she must first know what is to be forgiven. Here the therapist takes a lead role asking questions to the offending partner that reveal truth, while simultaneously providing stability and hope to the hurt partner.
Intensive Care Unit. The intensive care unit provides services for those who are still in a critical state, but stable. Some healing can begin to happen during this stage, but it is slow and tenuous. This is also a stage examining history. Instead of a personal history, it evaluates the full history of the couple. The hurt partner at this stage likely feels extremely disoriented and is going through a grieving process. The hurt partner’s understanding of their relationship, and indeed at times the hurt partner’s understanding of self, is shaken. At one moment the hurt partner feels loss and pain at realizing their understanding of their relationship was not based in reality. At another moment, they might feel validated in suspicions they had for years but never acted on.
Inpatient Recovery. While in inpatient care, much progress has been made, but not enough to warrant discharge. Couples at this stage tend to have some hope that their relationship is salvageable. However, any progress that has been made can quickly diminish with any hint of previous behaviors by the offending partner. The hurt partner is likely to be hypersensitive and have the tendency to trust intuition above their partner. The focus moves from the couple back to the offending partner. Here the offending partner examines all aspects of self, family of origin, maladaptive beliefs and behaviors, and patterns which helped contribute to the affair. In this stage the therapist helps the unfaithful examine, understand, and create a narrative that explains their thoughts, emotions, and behaviors.
Outpatient. A significant step in healing is when a survivor of a crash is discharged from the hospital. Though it is a cause for celebration, there are dangers. A couple might believe they are further along in their healing than they truly are. An offending partner who did significant work while in the hospital, might be tempted to return to old patterns; patterns which are now triggers for the hurt partner. Grief is still present in this stage. It is likely beneficial to remind couples of the stages of grief and the unpredictable nature of grief which they experience. The hurt partner might carry false guilt in “wanting to just move past it.” At this stage, strategies are established to build trust. Triggers are evaluated and plans are enacted to mitigate their harmful effects. Healthy communication patterns are honed.
Preventative Care. The final aspect of health is continued maintenance. A preventative care plan need not be counseling. Instead, a couple ought make a regular plan to evaluate the health of their relationship and do thing to intentionally improve their relational health. The couple ought seek out couples’ retreats, an intentional weekend away, reading a book together, or other means explicitly engaged in to prevent relationship stagnation.
My hope and goal in working with couple is not to regain the relationship that was in the past—that relationship ended in an affair; to go back is a scary proposition. Instead, my hope is to create something new, beautiful, and deeper. Healing is possible. There is hope after betrayal.
