Depression.
I have struggled with varying degrees of depression for most of my adult life. There have been periods of time where I didn’t care to wake up the next morning. Days where life was less of a roller coaster and more of an earthquake. Panic attacks that ended up in emergency clinics.
The funny thing is… a lot of people in my life are surprised to hear these things. You can’t always see depression. I wear a mask just like everyone else when I’m hurting. For a long time, my struggle was completely internal. I never wanted to put my burden on anyone else’s shoulders. I stuffed it down, drank it down, ignored, distracted, and denied as much as I could to keep my head on and continue with day-to-day life. You can do that for a while, you know. I did it for years. There’s a whole world of ways to keep you from looking inside these days. Sitting in silence became an uncomfortable, scary thing to do. Noise kept me occupied, and sedated. But, as with anything in excess, there will always be a point where things crescendo to an unavoidable volume. My mask was getting thinner and less believable. I had friends and family reaching out to me randomly, asking if I was doing ok.
I still made it to work, I still showed up for the people in my life, I still went to gatherings, and kept up with my hobbies. But coming home to the quiet got harder and harder. It took more booze, more scrolling, more mindless numbing to keep me distracted. Music lost its magic. Movies were just something to stare at. Going to sleep became a game of looking at the ceiling, counting breaths and trying to keep myself from spiraling into anxiety. I was trying to be a version of myself that fit the mold for others.
A pretty sad way to spend the one life you have.
Just over a year ago, I made one of the hardest decisions I’ve ever made. I chose to end a chapter in my life, and start fresh somewhere completely different. I knew if I stayed where I was, I was going to end up miserable for the rest of my life, or dead. As a people pleaser, I can’t tell you how selfish I felt making a decision purely based around my personal needs. I stayed in that hole for so long trying to figure out how to meet everyone’s needs but my own. It’s really easy to get stuck in a cycle of guilt, but making that decision may have been the best choice I’ve ever made for myself. I packed my stuff into storage, gave away a lot of junk, and headed to the mountains with a car full of the bare essentials.
It wasn’t some magic switch that flipped. I wasn’t immediately light and carefree. As much as I tried, I couldn’t just “choose” happiness. I was going to have to work for it, and I still had a lot of struggling to do. I left the country for a while, in an effort to distance myself from my problems. I spent months working odd jobs, sleeping on couches, and unpacking suppressed emotional baggage. I got really uncomfortable, and stayed that way for a while. I spent a LOT of time being alone with my thoughts, which at first seemed unbearable. However, the more I made myself do it, the easier and less intimidating it became. My defense mechanisms were being brought out of the dark, and I was able to see them and let some of them go. I was breathing a little bit easier. I opened myself up to any possibility and found a job that I love, and started building a small community of amazing people who share my passions with me. Eventually, I found a home that feels like home. I have found some satisfaction and lightness in life. The following is a list of some of the critical things that have helped me thus far on my path. My hope is that maybe this can be of some assistance to anyone who needs it.
COMMUNITY
A strong support group is so important for your own mental health. It’s amazing how a short phone call from a friend can turn your mood around. A big, long hug can give you the strength to keep pushing on. Small or big, community is paramount in recovery. While I believe that social media can be beneficial to some, interacting with people in the real world has been exponentially more helpful and rewarding. Reach out, don’t feel guilty asking for help. Tell your people you love them.
PASSIONS
Finding something that lights you up, and makes you feel creative and inspired is so important. For me, extreme sports, music, and big nature fill my cup. They’re also great ways to meet friends, and build a community around when you’re in a new period of life. I have found that the relationships built in these communities are deep and incredibly strong. Moving my body, pushing my limits, and creating something beautiful stokes a fire inside of me and gives me life. Find something that makes you try hard and give it your all. Being tired from a day of pushing yourself is a wonderful feeling.
PERSISTENCE
Don’t expect quick results. I still have bad days. It may take you a long, long time to feel like you want to. Take stock of the good things in life, and recognize and celebrate the good days. It is going to be hard. Accept that right now, and it’ll be less destabilizing when it happens. Progress isn’t going to be linear. Focus on doing better this week than you did the week before. Having a bad day doesn’t mean you’re failing. It just means you’re having a bad day. Tomorrow you get another shot at it.
GET OUT
Spiraling in your head isn’t going to fix anything. If you’re feeling stuck in your room, and don’t know what to do with yourself, just put some shoes on. Walk out the front door and go for a walk. Get in the car and go for a drive. Crank up some music and bang your head. Just get out. You don’t have to have a plan, you don’t have to be productive. Just go somewhere. You have the rest of your life to sit in bed. Sleep is important, but spending all day in bed is unhealthy. Go move your body somehow.
GRATITUDE
Take a few moments every day and run through all the things you have to be grateful for. Start broad – You woke up this morning! Wahoo! Nice. Clothes, food, health etc… Then get specific, you might surprise yourself with how much you can come up with. Try to do this every day. I do it on my way to work in the morning. Even when you don’t feel like it. Make time to give thanks for what you have.
Am I fixed? NOPE. But I am proud to say that I feel like I’m on the right path. I am in an exponentially better place than I was this time one year ago, and I’m feeling like this next year is going to be even better. I hope it is for you, too.
Oh, and stop being so hard on yourself, friend. Life is heavy enough. Tomorrow you get a new chance to go out and be absolutely yourself, whatever that may look like.
Chase Fowler is a writer, music lover, and adventure sport enthusiast. He spends his free time in pursuit of intensity, clarity, and good conversation. Sometimes under a parachute, and other times over a cup of coffee. No stranger to the ups and downs of life, Chase writes about his passions and how they connect with mental health in hopes of validating, empowering, and inspiring those who might need a helping hand.
Photo by Tim Stief on Unsplash
