There is all kinds of advice on how to improve your marriage, how to connect with your spouse, and how to, how to, how to. I have never seen a how to navigate when your partner’s trauma influences your relationship. It doesn’t fit on an Instagram meme. It is hard, tricky, and tenuous. It feels like it is a moving target to help. On your good days, you are supportive and patient. On your bad days, you want to blame them and run away and hide.
Below are some helps, reminders, and nudges as you navigate how to engage your relationship when your partner’s trauma shows up. These are more art than science.
Understanding Trauma and the Brain
Trauma is an unique type of memory, unlike any other. Trauma is coded in the brain in a different location than other types of memories. Scientists often reference three regions of the brain: the cortex region, the midbrain, and the primitive or reptilian brain. The outer cortext region is responsible for higher functioning processing such as reason. The midbrain addresses more regulation, which encompasses emotions. And the primitive brain is the most basic part of who we are. The closer we get to the brainstem, the more the brain is concerned with survival.
Regular memories are stored further out in the cortex region of the brain. Trauma memories are stored closer to the brain stem. Because they are stored so close to the brainstem, normal processing of thoughts and emotions does not apply. Think about it. If while beginning to cross a busy street, you see out of the corner of your eye something big and black coming at you, you might jump back to the safety of the sidewalk. Only to laugh at yourself because it was a shadow of an airplane overhead, not a bus about to kill you. You reacted. And were it actually a bus, that reaction would have saved your life. You did not have time to logically process that there isn’t a bus route on your road, so you shouldn’t be scared. The interior parts of the brain keeps us alive, and this is where trauma is stored. This is a gross oversimplification, but for our purposes helpful.
Be Patient and Supportive
As you engage your partner, think about their brain. They are not purposefully being reactive, or angry, or impatient. It could be the inner parts of their brain have taken over. And when the inner parts of all of our brains take over, we all simply want safety. You can provide that safety. You can be calm, loving, patient and supportive. And as you do that, your partner’s trauma trigger will subside and they will be back in their whole brain. You can give your partner what they desperately need in that moment by being safe and helping soothe the deepest parts of them.
Clarify Their Need and Reclarify
This is a tricky one because in a triggered moment, it is unlikely your partner will actually know what they need. So, outside of a triggered moment, engage a conversation where the two of you brainstorm what has and hasn’t worked, what might and what might not work. When the trigger comes up next time, you’ll feel a bit more prepared with a toolbox of helps. Now, those solutions might not work, but at least your partner will know you are trying. I offer this suggestion with this caveat: we’re not trying to fix our partner during triggered moments. Your job isn’t to stop the trigger, rescue your partner, or talk them out of it. Your job is to be with them. You…your presence is the thing that calms, not the things you say or don’t say.
Be Solid in Your Own Self
Don’t lose yourself or your sense of stability. Stay grounded in your own reality, your own health, your own unique emotional experience. Make time and space for those. Trauma takes a long time to heal. So you need to care for yourself too. It may be appropriate for you to develop your own supports to help you as you help your partner. Find friends who see and assume the best in both you and your partner.
If you find you are needing extra support as you walk with your spouse through trauma, we are here to help. To schedule a therapy appointment with Nathaniel Gustafson or one of our therapists at LiveFree Counseling, please call 720.465.6180 or click here
