Several major holidays are approaching, which may include a series of family events filled with complexity, joy, awkwardness and everything in between. You might be feeling immense tension: torn between excitement for greater socialization post-COVID restrictions and disdain or even fear towards being with relatives. If this is you, I encourage you to focus on the following strategies, as a way to influence more positive outcomes.
Have a Plan
Do not underestimate the power of strategy. Human beings thrive on predictability and consistency, to varying degrees. Here are some questions to process ahead of time to create a plan for yourself: What time will we arrive? What time will we leave? Where will we meet (at a home, restaurant, park, etc.)? What will be the cue to leave? Consider how you will bookend time with family – creating an entry and exit plan. Are there activities you could do before and after, which might serve as pressure release valves for the feelings you experience. If the emotional temperature within you has risen to a point of no return, be willing to step out – to be alone for a minute, to fill a needed errand for the family, or to leave entirely.
Be Assertive
Imagine a conversation turning to something highly charged: religious, political, or certain social issues. Instead of avoiding speaking up (which may increase your frustration); rather than trying to shout your viewpoint’s way into the discussion or taking a pointed dig at an aunt or uncle; focus instead on being direct, specific, and personally regulated. Ensure your tone is even keeled, neither condescending, sarcastic nor completely disinterested. Ask yourself, What is the purpose or intent of me saying this, and How would I respond to someone like myself right now? Consider practicing assertiveness through one of these statements: I would like to talk about (blank) instead, please. I am alright with 10 more minutes of this discussion, and then I would like to end. I am not comfortable with this right now, can we please talk about it later (be specific as to date/time).”
Honor Your Needs Through Self-Reflection
Take moments throughout your time with family to do a mental wellness check. Are you staying hydrated and well rested? Do you need to do something else tomorrow for yourself? Acknowledge the emotions coming up as warning signs to pay closer attention to self, and you may have unmet needs in the moment. If you experience guilt about not spending enough time with a certain family member, not fulfilling some standard someone has put on you (e.g., When are you going to have kids/get a new job/buy a house/etc.), or you are tired from an already stressful season of COVID, give yourself set space and time to notice what you are feeling, without allowing it to rule the day. Then, ask yourself, What is this feeling trying to tell me about myself?
If you are struggling to cope with seeing, or not seeing family during the holiday season, and if this involves deep rooted guilt or shame narratives, I would be honored to provide greater support. To schedule a therapy appointment with Andrew Denecke, or one of our therapists at LiveFree Counseling, please call 720.465.6180 or click here.
