As Valentine’s Day approaches, our thoughts often go to those we love most. No doubt your social media is abuzz with all kinds of tip, tricks, and lists of things you can be doing to show your spouse you love them. I don’t know about you, but when I read those lists, I immediately feel as if I’m not doing enough. Can we just not?
I’m going to talk out of two sides of my mouth. First, we need to relax and give ourselves permission to not do everything. Second, we need to do something, but it needs to come from the right place. So, what is that right place?
To answer this question, I want to look past the things we do—past the date nights, flowers, chocolates, etc.—and look to the substance of healthy relationships. It needs to start with your mental health. And you thought I was going to say it has to come from the heart, right?
There are all kinds of questionnaires, surveys and tests to determine if your relationship is healthy. One of the best indicators I see in relationships is this: Are you able to show up as your full self in your relationship? That’s it. If both you and your spouse believe you can be your true self in your relationship, then there is a good chance you are in a healthy relationship.
What does it look like to be your full healthy self in your relationship? First, you need to know your full self. You need to have deep self awareness around your emotions, cognitions, physiological reactions, and values. When we are not aware of these core parts, they tend to overreact or underreact. Let’s take emotions. If you suppress your emotions, it tends to go one of two ways. You bottle them up until you explode, or you bottle them up and in so doing bottle all emotions. The consequence of both is distance with your spouse.
Second, you need to communicate, with words, those deepest parts of yourself. So many times my clients heart is in the right place, but it is misinterpreted by their partner. Had they only verbalized their intentions, there would be no confusion and no fight. Talk about your thoughts, feelings, and intentions in a way that opens yourself to your partner without placing expectations on them. It’s one thing to say, I’m sad and struggling today and I’m letting you know because you’re my person. It’s another thing to say, I’m sad and struggling; then imply, And you need to make me feel better.
Third, you need to allow your partner to be their own person. If codependence is two people sharing one identity, and independence is two people not engaging in the relationship, then our target needs to be interdependence. This is the wonderful place where each individual can truly be themselves, and because they value their relationship they invest in that as well.
So, this Valentine’s Day be yourself. And out of that, show your partner how much they mean to you.
Happy Valentine’s Day.
**Photo by Pablo Heimplatz on Unsplash
